Notes From My Journey

Here’s a little background to this post: When I started my blog several years ago I named it “Notes From My Journey”. My intent was to write to you about what was happening currently in my life and dig into what I was learning from life’s experiences day by day. Writing for my blog soon became pretty sporadic as it’s hard for me to track life’s learning experiences on a weekly calendar basis. So in January 2021 I recommitted to writing the blog and began with a series on the Prodigal Son from Jesus’ story in Luke 15. I made a commitment to myself that I’d write a new post every week. Then a couple of months into the year, I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma Cancer and a new and amazing chapter of my life began.

In the midst of all that was going on I managed to post something every week for all of 2021. Much of what I wrote in 2021 is series of posts on topics, questions, application of scriptures, and things I think about. There’s some really good stuff in there and you can find it archived month by month at https://www.jimastephens.com. Then along came 2022 and the SCT and my posting took a hit! I was still sending my GraceNotes daily devotional every day (If you’re not already subscribed you can sign up for the free GraceNotes daily email at https://www.resourceministries.org/devotionals/grace-notes/). But it seemed that my blogging took a backseat and ended up being only a health update once a month.

But early on June 5, as I was walking in the desert east of town with Jake the Desert Bone Dog, something happened! It was a damp and cool, post-rainy but still cloudy, Sunday morning. It was also a very sensory morning. There was a little breeze blowing and it felt good on my face. The pungent scent of wet juniper was strong, and mixed well with the comfortable smell of sage brush. It was really nice!

That morning, I had decided to take a trail that led south to the southern boundary of the BLM reserve where we do much of our desert walking. I hadn’t done that trail since sometime before the transplant and I thought I’d like to see if I had gained back enough strength to do it. I was pretty much lost in thought and prayer and watching Jake be a dog and it was a while, but eventually I realized that time-wise I should be there by now! It was a cloudy, grey morning, so there was no sun to navigate by, and if you’ve hiked in a Juniper desert forest, you know that due to the randomness of the Juniper trees, you can’t see very far in any direction. So I began to watch more carefully around me and thought about the trail details and my surroundings: the lava ridge to my right, the very large dead Juniper ahead on my left, and I realized I was on the wrong trail!

I was heading west, not south, and I wasn’t going to get to the fence and the gate I thought I was headed for! And the end of the trail I was on was too far for the time and energy I had this morning. So I turned around and headed back the way I came. I watched more carefully this time and saw where I had drifted right, off the north-south part of the trail and sort of merged onto the largely unused trail that ran a couple of miles to the west boundary of the BLM reserve. It’s a trail I had walked before and it’s got great features! But I needed to be back to town in time for church. This trail would have to wait for another time and another day’s energy and strength.

Getting on the Wrong Trail changed my plans for the morning’s walk. I had to turn around and go back the way I came and didn’t make it to the south gate I was headed for. I did a lot of thinking and praying and keeping track of Jake for the half hour or so it took to get back to the car, but it was really joyful! It felt like the dryness and the “Inspiration-lessness” I wrote about last week was over. The sense of God’s presence was with me again! By the time church was over and the day ended I felt like God has given me a fresh beginning! Let’s see what happens!

The lessons I learned from the Wrong Trail that morning are really important lessons for me in my present situation! Here’s some of what I’ve been thinking:

• • In eight decades of life, I’ve learned far more from my mistakes than from the things I got right the first time. The wrong trail may not have got me where I thought I was going, but if I learned from my mistake and got back on the right trail as soon as I knew what was happening, nothing was wasted. The thing we’ve got to be careful about in learning from our mistakes is not to learn more from the experience than we should. Mark Twain wrote, “A cat that sits on a hot stove will never sit on a hot stove again. But neither will she sit on a cold stove!”
  • I’m realizing (and I’m not sure how to express this the way I’m seeing it) that I tend to have a very narrow, sometimes too narrow, view of “right trail”/“wrong trail”. I don’t mean that we shouldn’t have clarity on right and wrong in terms of moral issues or in terms of things that are harmful or hurtful to ourselves and others. What I do see more clearly is that a thing that someone else does or the way they do a thing may be right for them but not right for me. Or that a thing may be wrong for me right now, but right at another time or in another situation. Does that make sense to you?
  • Next time I can choose to walk the trail that was the “Wrong Trail” this time. I can go out to the desert when I have the time and energy to walk it to the end and it’ll be great! Choosing that trail at the right time in the right situation makes the “Wrong Trail” the right trail.

As soon as time and energy permits, I plan to drive out to the trailhead and choose the “Wrong Trail” and as soon as I choose it, it won’t be the wrong trail anymore. That trail will take me on a very scenic and enjoyable hike (with some twists and turns and ups and downs) to a new destination of my choice. And Jake the Desert Bone Dog will have the time of his life! Maybe he’ll even come up with a new bone or two!

As always, I’d love to hear from you and I welcome your comments and questions. If you’re reading on the blog, please leave a comment below. If you’re reading from the email, I’d love for you to click “Reply” and tell me what you’re thinking.

In January 2021 I re-started my blog, Notes from My Journey. I made a commitment to myself that I would write a blog post each week for the entire year. I got off to a good start for the first couple of months, then in March I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma cancer, began a first-in-my life round of tests and scans and doctor appointments and began treatment in mid-April with three anti-cancer drugs (targeted chemotherapy).

A pill every day, infusion once a week, more pills every Thursday. Blood tests once a month, bone marrow biopsies periodically, and appointments with my oncologist monthly. I was doing pretty well! Cancer numbers were going down, other stuff looked good, and I was so fortunate to have very little adverse reaction to the treatment.

After a few months my oncologist mentioned a treatment called Stem Cell Transplant that had really good results with many patients achieving full remission from the cancer for  a significant period of time. My oncologist knew one of the doctors at Oregon Health and Science University Hospital in Portland, OR and contacted him about taking me on as a candidate for the SCT. He agreed to begin the testing process, even though at age 78 I was at the very upper end of the age range of patients they would consider. As we proceeded with the testing and scans, my results looked good. I was staying relatively strong, and I was accepted as a candidate for the transplant.

Our daughter Stephanie and her husband Philip and son Jesse live in the Portland area and they made their guest room available to Jean and me for as long as we needed it. So we went to Gresham in September, 2021 and I began a grueling almost two week process of preparation: Scans, examinations, blood tests, and pokings and proddings I will not describe here. This culminated in the harvest of Stem Cells from my blood that would be re-introduced after a two-day chemotherapy treatment that would kill all the cancer in my blood (along with my bone marrow and all the cells that make up my immune system).

Then we experienced a four-month delay in the process! Due to COVID, there were no intensive care beds available at OHSU, so the stem cells had to be frozen and my transplant postponed until beds became available. In January I was back on the schedule at last! Into the hospital on January 31. Stem Cell transplant on February 2, strong enough to leave the hospital on February 12. Then outpatient appointments for the next few weeks while we stayed with Philip and Stephanie and Jesse, and then release to return home to Bend on March 7.

I’ve been making good progress since then. In fact I’ve been fortunate to have very little adverse reaction to all the cancer drugs and treatments since beginning treatment in April of 21. And I stayed strong enough through it all that I was a viable candidate for the transplant. And I’ve recovered steadily (If slowly. At least it seems slow when you’re doing it day by day and hour by hour). And I’m still getting stronger every week.

I’m so very thankful to God that I’m presently in full remission from the cancer! I’m so thankful for the medical teams at St Charles Oncology here in Bend and at Knight Cancer center at OHSU in Portland. I’m so thankful for all the friends and family who have stayed in touch and given encouragement at the tough times in the process. I’m so thankful for everyone who has prayed for us, encouraged us, and given generously to help support us in financial and other practical ways during this process.

Anyhow, here’s an interesting thing! With everything that happened in 2021, I still managed to keep my commitment to myself and my readers to write a blog post every week. But something changed in the process of the hospitalization and SCT. Since February, I’ve only managed to post occasional health updates, and only about once a month. I know I included a little “thought for the day” kind of paragraph in each one, along with a “think about this” sort of question, but the “post every week” thing just crashed! I’m not sure why, but my inspiration tank was on empty. And I couldn’t really figure out how to fill it! I wrote paragraphs about this and that and made lists of things I could write for blog posts, but it seemed completely inspiration-less! I fretted about it, I prayed seriously about it, and finally I mostly accepted it. I guess I gave myself permission not to write anything if I didn’t have anything to write! I wasn’t happy about it, but there didn’t seem to be anything for it but to let it be.

Some lessons learned during my SCT and recovery so far:

• • (Almost) everything is a process.
  • Sometimes you just can’t! And when you “just can’t” just don’t!
  • Don’t give up. Keep looking and listening. Keep pressing into the fog until it clears.

Then yesterday, Sunday morning June 5, I was walking in the desert before church with Jake the Desert Bone Dog, and I got on the wrong trail. I was having one of my usual desert-walking conversations with God and more or less suddenly it seemed like grey turned to sunshine and things started to look brighter! And when we tuned in to online church with the others in our small group of “on-liners”, Pastor Evan gave an exhortation that really made me hopeful, then Pastor Steve spoke a message that spoke deeply to me, and the Holy Spirit breathed something new and fresh into my life! I can’t wait to tell you more about it – in next week’s blog post. Stay tuned!

As always, I’d love to hear from you and I welcome your comments and questions. If you’re reading on the blog, please leave a comment below. If you’re reading from the email, I’d love for you to click “Reply” and tell me what you’re thinking.

Hey Friends, It’s been more than a month since I posted an update on my health, cancer treatment, and Stem Cell Transplant! So here’s some of what’s happened since the last post:

Today is Day +117 since the SCT. My most recent appointment with my local oncologist was on Thursday, May 5 and on Monday, May 23 I had a video follow-up appointment with the doctor who oversaw my transplant at OHSU. This month I’ve had the full range of lab work and another bone marrow biopsy and all the results show that my cancer is in full remission!

As you’re probably aware, the Stem Cell Transplant isn’t a “quick fix”, but knowing that and keeping that foremost in mind aren’t the same thing. Before the STC, I had to semi-isolate and wear a mask everywhere I went to avoid getting infected with COVID and losing out on the transplant. Now I have to isolate even more and wear an N95 mask everywhere I go to avoid infections from colds, flu, leaf mold, dust particles, you name it.

Before the STC, my immune system was compromised, mostly by the cancer treatment medications.  But I still had the benefit of all the work my body had done through the years and all the vaccinations I’d had and the disease resistance I’d built up through a lifetime. Now I have none of that. My COVID vaccinations are gone, along with flu shots, shingles vaccine, measles, mumps, and all the other childhood disease inoculations. But here’s the good news on the immunization front: I can start a two-year process of getting re-vaccinated with all those childhood vaccinations and immunities we all take for granted! Big news: I just got the first of my COVID re-vaccinations!

Anyhow, the cancer is in remission! I’m still mostly isolating as my immune system rebuilds but there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I’m on a maintenance treatment consisting of a reduced daily dose of one of the three cancer drugs I have been taking for treatment for the past year. Side effects of the maintenance treatment are minimal so far. When I was first diagnosed with Stage 2 Multiple Myeloma in March 2021, the longevity prognosis was 2 to 5 years. Here we are a year later after a Stem Cell Transplant and the prognosis is 7 to 10 years! I love that kind of math!

My family and I are so thankful for everything that’s happened, for all the prayers and support and encouragement from so many caring people! We’re so thankful for the medical care from my team at St Charles Oncology in Bend and at Knight Cancer Center at OHSU! We’re so thankful to God for healing and health and for every day God gives! I’ve known this truth for ten years but I know it in an even stronger and deeper way now, Every day is a gift from God!

Are there lessons for me in all this? You bet there are! One lesson is that this is a process! Last month’s update was all about me learning to accept, for the 100^th time that it’s all a process!

My beard and mustache are growing back after being destroyed by the chemo. My hair, what there is of it, is growing back. That’s a process. Hard to tell any difference from one day to the next, but from one month to the next it’s clear to see.

I mentioned this a couple of months ago, but I’m still learning its lessons. Our car was damaged in a fender-bender accident (those should be called “plastic breaker” accidents now, right?) last November and it took over two months to get it into the body shop. Once it was in the body shop it took five weeks to get it repaired because they couldn’t get the parts it needed.

On the other hand:

• • My grandsons Jude and Zane helped me patch it together with bolts and screws and high strength duct tape and we drove it a couple thousand miles while waiting for the body shop repair.
  • Then, once it was in for repair, the insurance company paid for a rental car five years newer than my Subie while we waited for the repair to be completed.
  • The point is, even though the whole car fixing process took over three months, we were never without adequate transportation and it all worked out just fine.

But the thing that reminds me I still have a lot of growing up to do (Remember: aging is mandatory, maturing is optional!) is how much time I spent stressing and feeling otherwise agitated during the process.

Some days I feel stuck! In those moments, it’s easy to be frustrated that I can’t (yet) go where I want to go and do what I want to do. And it’s harder to keep focused on the fact that if I successfully navigate the first three months (done), then the first six months (working on it), then the first year post-transplant, God’s wonderful provision of healing and health care has added the potential of seven to ten years or more to my lifespan.

Do you feel like you’re stuck? Like you’re waiting for this big thing that’s going to happen at some known or anticipated date in the future and you’re just stuck in limbo until it happens? Don’t miss the gift you have of today, the gift you had of yesterday, and the gift of all the days between now and the magic moment you’re waiting for!

As always, I’d love to hear from you and I welcome your comments and questions. If you’re reading on the blog, please leave a comment below. If you’re reading from the email, I’d love for you to click “Reply” and tell me what you’re thinking.

It’s been a month since I posted an update on my health, cancer treatment, and Stem Cell Transplant! So here’s some of what’s happened since the last post on 03-14-22:

Today is Day +70 since the SCT. My most recent appointment with my local oncologist was on Thursday, April 7 and the lab results from that visit are encouraging. I’ve begun to feel better and a little stronger. I wish I could say I’m feeling better and stronger every day, but it’s not like that. There are still good days and not so good days, but the good days are more so and the not so good days less so in terms of frequency and intensity.

Since returning home to Bend in early March, we’ve been doing frequent walks in the desert with Jake the Desert Bone Dog and I’m able to add a little distance to the walk most every time. I’m still not quite up to the standard we had before, but I’m going to get there. And beyond!

We knew the Stem Cell Transplant wasn’t a “quick fix”, but knowing that and keeping that foremost in mind aren’t the same thing. Even with the positive indicators, it’s hard to feel very excited when progress seems so slow. It’s hard to know what to tell and how to answer when people ask how I’m doing.  “A little better” is not big news. Except when it is.

Before the SCT, I had to semi-isolate and wear a mask everywhere I went to avoid getting infected with COVID and losing out on the transplant. Now I have to semi-isolate and wear an N95 mask everywhere I go to avoid infections from colds, flu, leaf mold, dust particles, you name it. I can’t eat bleu cheese dressing (mold), vacuum the carpet (microorganisms in the dust), share dishes and utensils (general germs), or eat rare-cooked steak (whatever!)!

Before the SCT, my immune system was compromised, but I still had the benefit of all the work my system had done through the years and all the vaccinations I’d had and the disease resistance I’d built up through a lifetime. Now I have none of that. My COVID vaccinations are gone, along with flu shots, shingles vaccine, measles, mumps, and all the other childhood disease inoculations. After a few months, I’ll begin getting vaccinations again as my immune system gets strong enough to manage them. In the meantime, it’s frustrating to be even more restricted than I was before the SCT.

Are there lessons for me in all this? You bet there are! One of the things I’m realizing is that I’m not as mature as I thought I was. I’m definitely as old as I thought I was, but not as mature as I thought. (You see, aging is mandatory, but maturity is optional!)

So some days I feel like I’ve taken steps backward instead of forward. In those moments, it’s easy to be frustrated that I can’t go where I want to go and do what I want to do. And it’s harder to keep focused on the fact that if I successfully navigate the first three months, then the first six months, then the first year post-transplant, I’ve very likely added the potential of five or six years or more to my lifespan.

I’m in full remission from the Multiple Myeloma cancer right now. The mutation that caused the cancer cells to develop is still there in my DNA, but the cells are wiped out now by the chemo I had just prior to the transplant. In another 30 days or so, at around day +90 to day +100, I’ll have another bone marrow biopsy, another scan, and another complete set of lab tests. This will establish a new sort of benchmark that can help guide us in what sort of maintenance treatment I’ll have going forward.

So, “How am I doing?” There’s a short answer (I’m doing better) and a long answer (but it’s kind of complicated).

The whole “cancer process” so far has been good for my faith.

• • It’s helped me clarify my thoughts about life and death and longevity.
  • It’s helped me wrestle with some important theological issues and questions.
  • It’s strengthening in me a deep gratitude and thankfulness to God for the life I’ve been given and the people and experiences and blessings that have come my way.
  • It’s pointed out very clearly that I’ve got a lot to learn, a lot of growing and maturing to do, and that I have a stewardship privilege with every day I wake up.

Some of you will relate when I say, “I want to be mature and I want it RIGHT NOW!” A big part of the lesson for me as I realize this process is going to take a while longer than I expected, is to relax a little, slow down a little, and celebrate little steps of progress in my health and my soul. And when I’m really tired, it’s okay to take a little nap!

So it’s a process! How long does the process last? As long as it takes! Here’s a couple of questions that help me appreciate and respect the process more when I can remember to think about and process them:

• • This thing that I’m going through, is it an event or a process? Is it reasonable to expect it to be all done and wrapped up in a nice little package or do I need to accept that it’s going to take a while?
  • What is the desired outcome of this process? What are the short-term sacrifices that lead to the long-term benefits? How can I better focus on the desired outcome?
  • How can I develop and maintain a deep awareness and gratitude that God has filled my life with blessings beyond counting?
  • How can I better understand what others are going through and how they feel, and help and encourage them as a result of my “process”?
  • Are we there yet?!?

As always, I’d love to hear from you and I welcome your comments and questions. If you’re reading on the blog, please leave a comment below. If you’re reading from the email, I’d love for you to click “Reply” and tell me what you’re thinking.

I didn’t realize how long it’s been since I posted an update on my health, cancer treatment, and Stem Cell Transplant! So here’s some of what’s happened since the last post on 02-22-22. Sorry for the delay! By the way, my Stem Cell Transplant began at 2:02 PM on 02-02-2022. It took just over an hour.

This is REALLY from the other side! Remember a couple of posts back I told you about my local oncologist, Dr. Clover, saying to me as I walked out the door into the world of Stem Cell Transplants, “I’ll see you on the other side!”? In my previous post I wrote to you “from the other side.” The transplant was done, I was feeling worse each day as the chemo took its toll, then gradually better each day as my bone marrow recovered and my blood counts improved. Then, just a day short of two weeks in the hospital, I was released to stay at Stephanie and Philip’s home in Gresham and return to OHSU almost daily at first, then a couple of times a week for blood tests and doctor appointments and other fun stuff.

Now I’m home in Bend and doing well! I had all my external connectors (the central venous catheter for lab draw out and medicine and treatment in) removed on Monday, March 7, and came home to Bend on Tuesday March 8. I’m not very strong yet, and some days are definitely better than others, but it’s progress! I reconnected with my local oncologist on Friday and we’ll be exploring what type of maintenance treatment I’ll be doing. But that’s a little way off yet. Right now I’m free of Myeloma Cancer cells and the prognosis is good that I’ll have a substantial period of remission going forward!

We’re thankful to God! We’re thankful to the various teams that have cared for me through the early treatment last year following diagnosis, the preparation for and the process of the transplant, and the excellent follow-up care! In fact we’re just pretty much thankful for everything and for everyone who has prayed, cared, checked in, supported, and been a part of our process and experience!

One thing that impacted me more than I expected was the loss of my mustache and beard to the chemo drugs. (Not so much the hair that used to be on my head so much as it had begun to desert me some years ago. Fickle!)

But here’s the thing: I started growing my mustache on April 4, 1967, the day I arrived in Vietnam. And I never shaved it off. Ever. And I started growing my beard on June 1, 1980, when we moved to Medford, OR. And I never shaved it off! Ever. Both my mustache and beard went through color changes through the decades, from red-brown to grey to white. But they were always there. I could count on them! (The hairs on our heads are numbered. I could count on them!) The mustache was with me for 55 years! The beard was with me for 42 years!

You and I may have been friends for a long time. Even a long, long time. But unless you knew me before I was 24 years old, in Vietnam in 1967, you never saw me without my mustache. And unless you knew me before I was 37 years old, in 1980, you never saw me without my beard! And now they’re both gone! And I still don’t recognize the face of the old man elderly gentleman who stares back at me from the mirror!

And people say, “It’ll grow back!” You don’t know that for sure! Maybe it will and maybe it won’t.

Anyhow, this is not a Dark Valley issue. I’m alive and I’m getting better and I’ve got a lot to learn about post-transplant living. Pre-transplant, I still had an immune system that remembered my measles vaccine, my smallpox and diphtheria vaccines, in fact all the vaccines I’ve had since the polio vaccine in 1954 when I was 11. But post-transplant, my new immune system doesn’t remember any of that so I get to start all over daily living carefully in a world full of germs, mold, and dust. Then beginning in about three months to a year I’ll start re-immunizing with COVID vaccine and then all the others. And my new immune system has to learn to deal with Jake the Desert Bone Dog and leaf mold and Bleu Cheese dressing and flu germs and the common cold. So I’ll not be joining the ranks of the Maskless Oregonians for a while at least.

I’m not sure what my blog schedule will be for the next few weeks. I know it’ll be a while before I’m up to doing a weekly blog along with daily GraceNotes devotionals. I guess I’ll send you what I’ve got when I’ve got it and we’ll see how it goes!

Grace and Peace, Jim

As always, I’d love to hear from you and I welcome your comments and questions. If you’re reading on the blog, leave a comment below. If you’re reading from the email, click “Reply” and tell me what you’re thinking.

I’m writing to you from “The Other Side”! On January 20, I had my final appointment with my local oncologist, Dr. Todd Clover prior to the transplant. After conversation and questions, as I prepared to leave the consult room, we shook hands and he said, “I’ll see you on the other side.” When he said it, it really struck a chord with me. The Other Side!

The stem cell transplant was done on Wednesday, February 2, 2022 and I’m writing this on the afternoon of Monday, February 21. Today is day +19 since the transplant and a lot has happened since then.

I was released from Hospital on February 14 to stay at Stephanie and Philip’s home in Gresham, OR. This keeps me within 20 miles of OHSU Hospital for access to on-going outpatient treatment for another couple of weeks or so, or for emergency treatment should the need arise. I go to the cancer clinic for labs to check on my new blood progress, to consult with the doctor, and to have the dressing on my central line changed.

I’m eagerly longing to be released to go home to Bend, but I know I’m not ready yet. I did manage a half-mile walk each of the past three days, but I’m well aware of my new limitations and that it will take some time to rebuild. So we’ll trust the numbers and the medical team that does this all the time and we’ll be grateful to go home when the time is right. I’ll send you a very joyous update when we get there!

There are a couple of things I’ve been thinking about and processing during the past few weeks that I’d like to share with you. I won’t take long with this, because I’m still working on it myself.

The Dark Valley

Psalm 23:4 “Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.” There’s definitely been some dark valley places between here and where we’ve come from since starting the SCT process in 2021. My shepherd knows the way through those dark places and is not merely sending me through them, but will walk with me all the way through to the other side!

My treatment plan had been working so well, and with reasonably light side effects and I had actually reached a point of remission. I stopped all my regular treatment drugs a couple of weeks before the transplant and as the effects wore off, I felt better than I had since I started treatment last April. I was tempted to think, “What if I just don’t do the SCT and see how long this remission will last?”

And then I had the transplant and as the chemo did its dirty work, within the next few days, I felt worse than I had since I can remember. But in the Dark Valley days I was so thankful!

I was so thankful for the Doctors and nurses who said, “Don’t be discouraged. Here’s what’s happening in your bone marrow and blood, you’re right on track. In the next few days, as these numbers come up, you’ll start feeling better and stronger.”

And I was so thankful for friends who emailed and texted me that God was with me in the Dark Valley, that God’s unfailing love surrounded me, and that I would be out of the Dark Valley and into the sunny green pastures soon.

I was thankful for the many friends and GraceNotes and Blog readers who didn’t send a note to me, but sent a prayer to God

And I’ve been most thankful for Jean, who sat by my bed every day in 14K. Jean is my caregiver through this process. OHSU only does the transplant if the patient has a dedicated 24/7 caregiver. Jean has been by my side during the darkest part of my dark valley, managing my meds, helping me dress, helping me in and out of bed (You know, just like always!)

Life Lesson: The Good Shepherd will be with you through the Dark Valley, and the Good Shepherd has some helpers that will speak life, truth, and encouragement to you. Listen to them and let them help.

The Other Side

I remember an old kids’ song, “The Bear went over the Mountain.” Apparently, the bear went over the mountain to see what he could see. When he got over the mountain, this is what he saw “The other side of the mountain is all that he could see.” I know, humor me, okay?

I’m on the other side! The transplant is working! That’s great, its fears have been overcome, its objective is being achieved, it’s a plan that so far is working well. But it’s not really a destination or a stopping place. My immune system still isn’t as strong as it was before the transplant. Even with all the months of immune destroying cancer treatment, I still had more defenses then than I have right now.

The thing I have now that I didn’t have then is cancer-free bone marrow and some intrepid little stem cells that are working day and night to multiply the cells I need in my bone marrow and blood to rebuild immunity. They’ll learn to recognize the bad stuff that comes along. They’ll be strong enough in a few months that I can begin to get the vaccinations against shingles, pneumonia, measles, COVID, all these enemies.

There are times when God gives us a powerful breakthrough, but the breakthrough isn’t a destination. It’s not a stopping place, it’s a platform from which to move further forward in our faith journey. And there will be obstacles to overcome, battles to be fought, disciplines to put in place.

I’m physically more at risk of illness and infection right now than I was 3 weeks ago, before the transplant. But I’m positioned to get better and healthier than I’ve been since the cancer diagnosis last March. I’ve got some new anti-infection restrictions to learn about and heed, and some strength restoring exercise to do, and some patience to develop (I thought I already had that!).

I’ve got my little intrepid Stem Cells working away down there in my bone marrow. I’ve got the medical team monitoring my progress and setting some boundaries and restrictions. I’ve got my friends and family praying, caring, and helping in so many ways. And I’m surrounded by the unfailing steadfast love of my Father.

• Dark Valley? You’re not alone!
• The Other Side? No magic, just a new platform from which to live your faith.

As always, I’d love to hear from you and I welcome your comments and questions. If you’re reading on the blog, leave a comment below. If you’re reading from the email, click “Reply” and tell me what you’re thinking.

The past two weeks has been a whirlwind of appointments and waiting. The outcome summary is that I’m medically in a good place for a successful stem cell transplant. Dr Clover, my local oncologist, and Dr Hayes-Lattin, head of the Stem Cell Transplant team at OHSU, both tell me I’m in remission due to the past 10 months of treatment (and, in my opinion, due to a lot of prayer on my behalf!). So the actual transplant has less heavy lifting to do to cleanse my bone marrow and blood of the cancerous cells.

Jean and I were in Portland earlier this week for lab work and to sign consent papers for the transplant. We came home to Bend Monday evening to prepare ourselves and the house for our absence for a few weeks. We leave Friday January 28 for OHSU, I get a COVID test on arrival Friday afternoon and if it’s negative, begin two days of chemo on Monday, January 31 and Tuesday, February 1. The actual Stem Cell Transplant will take place on Wednesday, February 2. That’s 02-02-2022. I’m not sure if there’s any significance in the date, but for us it’s a big step forward after a long time waiting!

Incidentally, days immediately prior to the transplant are “minus days” as in -2, -1. Transplant day is “day 0”. Subsequent days are “plus days” as in +1, +2, +3. Just thought you might like to know that.

The best-case scenario, time-wise, is that I’ll spend about two weeks (day -1 through day +14) in hospital at OHSU, then a few weeks in Gresham, at the home of our daughter Stephanie and her family, receiving any necessary outpatient treatment until my immune system is renewed enough for me to be released back into the wild. Then I’ll come home to Bend and begin my new life! We pray and hope that it will be a long season of full remission of the Multiple Myeloma cancer.

On January 20, I had my final appointment with my local oncologist, Dr Todd Clover prior to the transplant. After conversation and questions, as I prepared to leave the consult room, we shook hands and he said, “I’ll see you on the other side.” When he said it, it sounded right to me! When I got home, I had a new message in My Chart from Dr Clover. I have an appointment with him on April 7. That’s “on the other side.”

This Stem Cell Transplant has been kind of a long process for us. We first discussed it in May of 2021, then began moving ahead with the stem cell harvest in September for a transplant at the first of October. Then that was postponed due to all the ICU beds occupied by COVID patients. Now we’ve had the process moving again for a couple of weeks and it’s been a fresh opportunity to think about and acknowledge both the reward and the risks of the transplant treatment.

We feel so blessed to have the opportunity for the transplant, but there remain so many uncertainties between here and transplant day, even though it is only a week away. I just had a text message from the nurse coordinator that we’ll need to be in Portland earlier than expected for some last-minute lab work. Anyhow, suffice it to say that it still seems like we’re shooting at a moving target!

Psalm 23 has been both challenging and comforting for me as we’ve negotiated the twists and turns of the trail we’re on.  1 The LORD is my shepherd; I have all that I need. 2 He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. 3 He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. 4 Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. 5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. 6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the LORD forever. (Psalm 23:1-6 NLT)

Dr Clover said, “I’ll see you on the other side” and made an appointment for me in April (on the other side).

Psalm 23:4 says “Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.”  There’s definitely some dark places between here and where we’re going (the other side – where faith tells us there’s a season of living in full remission from the cancer) but the Lord, my shepherd, knows the way through those dark places and is not merely sending me through them, but will walk with me all the way through to the other side!

Tomorrow evening I’ll say goodbye to Colin, Melissa, Jude, and Zane when we have dinner at their house. I’ll say, “See you on the other side!” I’ll say goodbye to Jake the Desert Bone Dog. I’ll say, “See you on the other side, Jake!” Then when I check into the hospital, I’ll say goodbye to Philip, Stephanie, and Jesse. I’ll say, “See you on the other side!” Then Jean will accompany me to the hospital and will be the one person who can visit me during the time I’m in the hospital (COVID restrictions). She’ll be with me through the whole process.

So anyhow friends, I’m not sure how predictable my blog posts will be for the next few weeks, but please continue your prayers and we’ll keep you posted! I’ll see you on the other side!

As always, I’d love to hear from you and I welcome your comments and questions. If you’re reading on the blog, leave a comment below. If you’re reading from the email, click “Reply” and tell me what you’re thinking.

Hey Friends, I’m starting a new phase of my cancer treatment this week as I prepare to go to OHSU in Portland in a couple of weeks for the long-awaited Stem Cell Transplant. The postponement due to OHSU’s ICU beds being occupied by COVID patients has taken about four months. Without the postponement I’d have completed the transplant and recovery period and would have been back in Bend sleeping in my own bed just before Thanksgiving.

The current schedule plan is for me to go to OHSU on January 24, sign the consent documents, and then begin the actual pre-transplant Chemo infusions on January 31 and February 1. Then the morning of February 2 (02-02-22 does that signify anything special or spiritual?), I’ll receive the transplant of my own Stem Cells which we harvested from my own body back in late September.

I can expect to be in ICU for about two weeks as my bone marrow begins to regenerate and as the amazing Stem Cells begin to reproduce and become the kinds of cells I need to rebuild my immune system, without the mutated cancer cells that have been trying to take over (the Chemo will take them out and I’ll get a fresh start with the 7.8 million Stem Cells that are waiting for me in the freezer at OHSU).

Then as my system begins to stabilize (this is all criteria driven – I must be able to eat and keep food down and must have measurable progress on cell regeneration), I’ll be released to stay at my daughter Stephanie and her family’s home in Gresham (I have to be within 20 miles of OHSU until further criteria are met and to receive any necessary support treatment.)  This could take as much as another four weeks, but we’re hoping for a much shorter period. Realistically we’re looking at five to six weeks from Transplant day to returning home to Bend.

During that time, I don’t know how much energy I’ll have or how well my brain will be working, so my weekly blog post may miss a week or two. GraceNotes daily devotionals will continue to go out daily by email and be daily posted to our ResourceMinistries.org web site.

This week and next, I’ll be having tests and scans and a variety of processes to determine if I’m strong enough and well enough to handle the challenges of the transplant. I’ll have another bone marrow biopsy (not my favorite), EKG, Echo cardiogram, pulmonary function test, PET scan, along with my regular cancer treatment regimen. Thankfully, I can do most of these tests here in Bend before going to Portland.

So please keep praying for us as we go forward into a season in which it seems like we’ll have a little less control of things than we normally imagine we have! During this time, I’m going to try to share with you things I’m thinking and praying about and processing. So hang in there with me!

Here’s my thought for this week:

Today I asked God for opportunities to talk with people who know a little more than I do about things that are important to me.

Wouldn’t it be great to have honest discussions about important things with people who are open to learn from each other?

You know, so often, what passes for discussion is opinionated people taking potshots at each other from behind the concrete walls of their minds – what passes for honest discussion is people tossing word grenades at each other from the concrete bunkers of their minds.

If we viciously attack others over differences of opinion we’re wrong even if we’re right! When we engage in honest, respectful dialog on matters of difference we’re right even if we’re wrong!

I’m a Life-Long Learner. I’m curious. I want to know stuff I don’t already know. I want to have to change my mind about things because I’ve discovered I was wrong!

I know not everyone is like that or is ever going to be like that, but let’s make the effort to respect those whose opinions are different from ours, and to learn from people who know stuff we don’t know.

Let’s make the effort!

As always, I’d love to hear from you and I welcome your comments and questions. If you’re reading on the blog, leave a comment below. If you’re reading from the email, click “Reply” and tell me what you’re thinking.

And don’t forget to pray for Jean and me as we travel through some uncharted territory the next few weeks!  Thanks!

Here we are friends, at the beginning of another year! Glad you could join me! This blog post is excerpted from a message by the same name that I gave at Mountain View Fellowship in Redmond, Oregon on Sunday, December 26, 2021…

New Year’s Resolutions: Good or bad? I wonder how many New Year’s Resolutions are about weight loss or getting in shape? After Thanksgiving and Christmas feasting and snacking, it often seems the most obvious and urgent thing we can do is get (back?) in shape! I don’t know why everyone is so anxious to get in shape! Round is a shape!

I joined a Health Club in January of last year. I found one that is especially for seniors, but it wasn’t working for me so I cancelled my membership after about four months. Apparently you have to go there!

How’s your experience with New Year’s Resolutions been in the past? Well, whatever your relationship with New Year’s Resolutions, this isn’t really about that. This goes deeper and I hope it reaches farther than New Year’s Resolutions do for me. It’s not that getting in a shape other than round doesn’t matter! Reality is that in comparison with the time and energy we spend on discovering and focusing on the things that REALLY MATTER, a lot of our time and energy gets spent on things that matter less. And a lot of the time it’s not Bad vs Good (that’s easy), it’s about Good vs Better, and Important vs Most Important.

“What Really Matters” isn’t the same all the time. And What Really Matters isn’t the same for everybody (all the time). We’d like to make it simple, make a list, plug our lives into the What Really Matters list, and live happily ever after. You see, we’re not intended to live the Christian life on cruise-control. The Christian life is about following Jesus, about learning, growing and changing. And that includes taking time to decide What Really Matters!

Let me give you an example: 1978. We lived in Tri-Cities, WA and were part of the leadership team of a Jesus People Church. I had been traveling teaching seminars for nearly 50% of the time that year. Our daughters were 7 and 12. We were presented with an opportunity to go to the south pacific and start a training center. It was a six weeks commitment. Another six weeks away from the girls. We had a perfect setup for my parents to stay in our home and look after them. But we cancelled. It mattered, but right then our relationship with our girls mattered more. It was a hard decision. It looked like a door was closing, probably for good. But it was the right decision. Then in the 80’s and 90’s when the time was right, we started training centers in Jamaica, the UK, and three nations in Africa.

What Really Matters changes with the seasons and circumstances of our lives. It’s different for different people. And it requires diligent thought, prayer, and often some really difficult decisions. Because you can’t do everything. You can’t have it all. And the thing you choose to do creates some things you don’t get to do!

In January of 2009, I decided to begin writing a daily devotional based on my current through the Bible in a Year reading plan. I made a list of people I knew who might like the devotional and offered it to them free by daily email. We’ve just finished 2021! That’s been 13 years and GraceNotes has been sent every day of those 13 years. Why? I guess because it’s one of those things That Really Matters to me.

Different seasons, Different situations, Different Importances!

The important thing is that you address What Really Matters in each season of life. It’s not a one-size-fits-all approach for each of us. What Really Matters changes with the seasons and situations of life. What really matters is different for different people relative to specific interests, talents and abilities, and passions.

The key is more a matter of being awake and aware and seeking God’s “What Really Matters?” as we move forward in life.

• • This requires thought and prayer and focus.
  • This requires developing Kingdom of God values.
  • This requires a willingness to learn and grow and change.
  • This requires being a disciple, a follower of Jesus.

What Really Matters to me now? Not the same as when Jean and I were in Richland, WA in our early 30’s, running our business, with two daughters in school. Not the same as when we lived in Medford in our early 40’s with two daughters in school, starting a church. Not the same when we lived in Jamaica, with one daughter in school, one daughter in the US, starting a Bible Training Centre. Not the same as when we moved from Jamaica to England and started Bible Training Centres in London, then in Ghana, in Uganda, in Malawi… Not even the same as when we moved back to the US and got involved in local church ministry here in Central Oregon. What Really Matters to me, age 78, with cancer? I’ll let you know, friends. It’s a moving target!

What Really Matters to you, in your life, right now? Age and stage, situation and circumstance… What Really Matters to families with kids in school? What Really Matters to people who have recently retired and need to know what to do next?

I did an informal survey of some people in different ages and stages of life and it was interesting what I found. I found some expected and very significant differences in their “What Really Matters” lists, but I also found some things that seem not to change much with age and stage.

• • Braces for the kids, figuring out the school dilemma, needing a bigger house.
  • Medicare supplement, health issues, downsizing, are we going to get to travel like we’d hoped and planned?
  • Some degree of financial security.
  • Opportunities to serve, to help others, to make a difference.
  • In common: Relationships, family and friends, purpose.

Picture this with me:  Life is a journey. We are here, at the end of 2021, at the beginning of 2022…

• • We’re standing at the top of a hill
  • We’re standing at the turn of the year
  • We’re looking back, looking forward, looking around…

Looking back at the past year: Does it seem mostly good or bad?

• • What stands out? Disappointments or accomplishments, good times, successes?
  • Look for lessons to be learned. Let go the disappointments and mistakes.
  • Be thankful that God has brought you this far.

Looking forward to the coming new year: Good or bad?

• • Anxiety or hopefulness?
  • Look forward with gratitude and thanksgiving.
  • Remember God’s faithfulness in the past.
  • Look forward in hope.

Making important decisions and acting in the present.

• • Think about Your present “What Really Matters.”
  • Make a decision to focus your eyes on and to apply your time and energy to what really matters right now.

Take some time this week, before you jump back into the pace of things, to think and pray through What Really Matters as an individual or as a family in one’s present season and situation of life.

Ask: What Really Matters? Ask yourself, ask God, ask your family members, ask your friends. Here’s what I’d like you to do: Ask What Really Matters at least five times every day this week.

Here are some “What Really Matters” questions to stimulate your thinking:

• • What does my budget and calendar say about What Really Matters to me right now?. Are there things that use significant amounts of my resources and time that I know are not “What Really Matters” kinds of things? What can I do about that?
  • How can I start a conversation with my partner or family about “What Really Matters?”
  • What have I been wanting to bring to the top of my “What Really Matters?” list, but I just keep putting it off? What can I do to make that happen now?
  • Who among my friends and associates seems to really have a handle on their “What Really Matters?” Could I make arrangements to talk with them about how they do it?

Prayer:

Father, How did we ever get to this place? How did we make it through all we’ve been through? It’s by your grace and mercy! How are we going to make it through everything we’re facing, make it through all the unknowns of the days and weeks and months of an unknown 2022? It’s by your grace and mercy.

We pray for wisdom as we face decisions and choices large and small. We pray for a continuing awareness of your presence with us and your guiding and protecting hand on us for the new, unknown year that’s just before us. May we stand in your presence a year from now, filled with gratitude for all you’ve done for us and filled with hope for the next trip around the sun!

And may we live this year with the sense of purpose that comes with seeking and doing What Really Matters with the time, energy, and resources you’ve trusted into our hands. In Jesus’ Name, Amen!

As always, I’d love to hear from you and I welcome your comments and questions. If you’re reading on the blog, leave a comment below. If you’re reading from the email, click “Reply” and tell me what you’re thinking.